Okay, now that I have the opportunity to give this my full attention, I have a few comments.
I was a little confused about the sun setting so soon after it was midday. The passage of time is not clear in that section. The mention of the adopted half-orc was weird. He's never been mentioned before; he wasn't at lunch with the family, and his absence wasn't noted, which if he were a valued part of the family that Seledra remembers, it would be. It was just an anomalous detail that doesn't mean anything to the story, other than, oh, here's this character I forgot to mention before, and you'll never hear about him again.
Regarding Ralenthra, I'm not sure about her side of the conversation about the pendant. When all is said and done, she's more proud than not about how she got it, and while I doubt she'd tell Seledra the whole story, I don't think she would have a problem saying it was from Cormanthor (presumably, if she told S. her real name, she would also tell her where she was really from), or at least that it was a sort of prize. Unless you think she'd be cryptic about it just to tease Seledra.
Also, Ralenthra's not entirely sure of herself on the Tordrin front, which you'll see when I get my next post done. I see it as sort of an ebb and flow, where she holds back for a while, then lets him pull her in, and then holds back again. I'm not sure how you would reflect that in here, because it's so internal that the outward signs would be fairly subtle. But I think Seledra knows her well enough to notice.
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Date: 2008-06-22 03:58 pm (UTC)From:I was a little confused about the sun setting so soon after it was midday. The passage of time is not clear in that section. The mention of the adopted half-orc was weird. He's never been mentioned before; he wasn't at lunch with the family, and his absence wasn't noted, which if he were a valued part of the family that Seledra remembers, it would be. It was just an anomalous detail that doesn't mean anything to the story, other than, oh, here's this character I forgot to mention before, and you'll never hear about him again.
Regarding Ralenthra, I'm not sure about her side of the conversation about the pendant. When all is said and done, she's more proud than not about how she got it, and while I doubt she'd tell Seledra the whole story, I don't think she would have a problem saying it was from Cormanthor (presumably, if she told S. her real name, she would also tell her where she was really from), or at least that it was a sort of prize. Unless you think she'd be cryptic about it just to tease Seledra.
Also, Ralenthra's not entirely sure of herself on the Tordrin front, which you'll see when I get my next post done. I see it as sort of an ebb and flow, where she holds back for a while, then lets him pull her in, and then holds back again. I'm not sure how you would reflect that in here, because it's so internal that the outward signs would be fairly subtle. But I think Seledra knows her well enough to notice.