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Warnings: Het, Angst, Su-abuse and the possible need to look up Korean Shamanism on wikipedia.
Legal Notice: Dong Bang Shin Ki belongs to themselves and SM Entertainment (boo! hiss!). Everything else is mine.
Rating: PG-13 for implied sexual situations and violence.
First Chapter Second Chapter Third Chapter Fourth Chapter Fifth Chapter
Sooner or later, Junsu's nervous system would rebel against being unconscious for so long. Not without adequate stimulation anyway. This would require reaching into Junsu's mind and poking around a bit. This gave Changmin some pause. Out of all his hyungs, no one was more protective of his thoughts, memories and feelings than Kim Junsu.
As if to prove his point, the first memory he was able to access was the following:
Yunho is sitting on the new twin bed my parents bought for him to the right of my bed. Looking around the room, he lazily swings his legs up and down. He scratches his head, gets up and takes something off of my nightstand. It doesn't take long for me to figure out what's missing.
"Put it back!" I shout as I lunge at him. Yunho stops me with an outstretched arm and looks at her picture with his other hand. "Who is this? Your girlfriend? She's pretty."
I feel the salt water rise up in my throat. I manage to choke out, "She's nobody. Just give, give it back. I'm not even supposed to have this anymore."
Yunho smirks. "Sounds like there's a story here."
I shake my head. "Not one I want to tell."
We stand toe to toe with Yunho holding the framed photo of HER over my head. I can see her beautiful face smiling at me...a sound comes out of me, low and loud. Yunho drops the picture frame to the floor and walks away, breathing fast and shaking. Before he leaves the room, he turns and shakes his head at me. "Man, you're cold!"
After Yunho shuts the door behind him and his footsteps fade away I pick up HER picture and whisper. "Not all the time."
Changmin concentrated harder, dug deeper. Who was this girl and why wouldn't Junsu even think about her name? He pushed, dug, sorted...
Her name is Kim Chinsun. She sits in the seat in front of me at school. The other kids talk about her in hushed tones. The mean ones say she burnt down her last school. The nice ones shakes their heads in pity when she passes by, whisper "Mudang". But all I see is a girl who embodies her name; precious and goodness personified. She helps the slower students with their homework and does not let the little ones be bullied. Her dazzling smile stops my awkward attempts at small talk in my throat. But one day, Junho is out sick and the bullies decide it is my turn to be picked on...
It's recess and I'm sitting outside in the crisp autumn air. The leaves have finished changing and are beginning to fall to the ground. A smack to the back of my head is followed by Chulmoo's raspy voice.
"Hey, duck-butt! I heard you like that witch. You'd make a good couple. She's crazy and you're stupid."
My hands are balled into fists at my sides. "She's not crazy! And...and...I can get smarter, but YOU'LL ALWAYS BE UGLY, Moo!"
But Chul-Moo is just a toady. He won't face me alone. Instead, he smirks, turns and shouts to his buddies. "Looks like duck-butt is spoiling for a fight! Let's give one to him, boys!" We are soon joined by Daeho and Bonghwa. Their voices swirl together as they circle me, pulling me to my feet, then pushing, slapping and pinching me.
"At least I don't look like a girl, Junsu!" sneers Chulmoo.
Daeho laughs. "You know what? I think Junsu IS a girl!"
"Look! He's crying! He even cries like a girl!" exclaims Bonghwa.
Chulmoo stops laughing."I'm beginning to think you're right, Daeho. Junsu's definitely a girl. But I think we need to make sure."
Someone starts tugging at my belt. Oh God, this isn't happening. This isn't happening. But then the wind picks up out of nowhere and the other boys are blown to the ground.
Chinsun, my dream girl, stands in front of me. This is almost too much for me to take. Hurriedly, I re-buckle my belt. For a moment, I can fight my shyness enough to look at her. She's moved right next to me, so close I can feel her unnaturally cool breath on my cheek. Her eyes have turned as black as a starless night. But for some reason, I'm not scared. She whispers softly. "They've hurt you, Su-yah. But they won't hurt you ever again!"
As the boys scramble to their feet, they scrounge in the dirt for rocks, begin to curse at her. She raises her hands to the sky and the leaves on the ground rise and swirl around us like we're in a shook-up snow-globe. They fly by my face, edged with frost. The boys throw their rocks at us, but the rocks bounce right back at them. Finally they run away, screaming "Witch!" as they do so. The leaves fall slowly to the ground as she takes me by the hand and touches my lip softly. It isn't until I see her lip split and begin to bleed that I realize that I'd been hit so hard. Her eyes turn back to a soft brown color and a tear rolls down her cheek.
"Please...please don't be afraid of me, Junsu!" she whispers.
"Afraid? I could never be afraid of you, Chinsun." I reply, blushing. I try to look away but she catches my chin in her hand and lifts it. We look into each other's eyes and it is at this moment that I know that I will love this girl for my whole life long. She smiles. "Call me Sunny. All my friends call me Sunny."
Later, I will learn that I am her only friend.
Changmin gasped. How is it that Junsu had never mentioned this girl? Changmin racked his own brain, remembering small moments when his hyung had let his guard down, times he thought no one was listening. He remembered Junsu stealing glances at a picture he kept in his wallet while they were all backstage waiting to go on. He remembered Junsu whimpering her name in his sleep. And ah, he remembered a long time ago, Junsu wanking off in bed, moaning her name softly. And Changmin had always thought he was just crushing on Lee Soo Man's niece. But the girl he saw in Junsu's memory could not have been that Sunny, even as an eight year old.
Changmin continued to flip through Junsu's memories of Sunny, just skimming the surfaces. He knew her from age eight to age thirteen, when Junsu broke off the relationship abruptly. But in the between time, Junsu and Sunny were inseparable, sharing lunches, studying together, going shopping with Sunny's mom, going camping with Junsu's parents. It was as sweet as Changmin could expect coming from Junsu and his childhood sweetheart. Finally, Changmin found the thread he wanted and followed it to its source.
My mother is shaking my bedsheets in my face, demanding to know where the blood came from. I am all blinks and stammers and wringing hands. We hadn't planned for this. I hadn't planned for this.
"Did you at least use protection?" she hisses at me.
I nod frantically.
"Good, because the last thing I want is a Mudang for a grandchild. It's in the blood, you know."
I know what Sunny is, but I don't care. "I love her, Umma!"
My mother slaps me across the face. "You're too young to fall in love! That girl has bewitched you."
She turns her back to me. I cry out, "No, Umma! That's not true!"
She wheels on me. "Junsu-yah, you know how much I-your father and I have such high hopes for you in your music career. We've sacrificed so much for your dreams..."
"My dreams? My dream was to play soccer. You're the one who wants me to be a big star!"
My mother's eyes widen. "How dare you!"
I know it will earn me a sound lashing, but I can't stop myself. "All because you couldn't become famous, you had to push me into it."
Her eyes narrow to slits and the blows rain down on me. I hope against hope that my mother gets so wrapped up in punishing me for my impertinence that she'll forget all about Sunny.
Now out of breath, my mother speaks. "You've been...a trainee...for three years at SME. I won't let you throw all of this away on her. You are not to see her anymore. We're going to send you and Junho to a different school."
I fall to the floor and grasp her ankles in supplication. "Please, Umma. Please, no."
But it is useless. I am sent to my room and my mother watches as I break the heart of the only girl I'll ever love over the telephone.
Her voice shakes with emotion."But Junsu, why? I love you! You told me you loved me!"
I shuddered as I spoke the words my mother told me to say. "I don't love you. You're a Mudang! You bewitched me. I never want to see you again. Never!" I slam the phone back onto the receiver. My mother leaves the room, satisfied. I stare at the phone for an hour before the realization of what just happened finally sinks in and the tears begin to come.
I howl, and my window shatters.
Changmin wept.
He wept for Sunny and he wept for Junsu. He wept for Junsu's broken heart and thwarted dreams. He wept for the hundreds of times that Junsu wore the mask of the clown when inside he was in so much pain.
Changmin finally understood why Junsu was able to sing the way he did, his heart bursting with emotion. He gently smoothed Junsu's hair back."Never again, hyung. Not if I can help it." he whispered.
Legal Notice: Dong Bang Shin Ki belongs to themselves and SM Entertainment (boo! hiss!). Everything else is mine.
Rating: PG-13 for implied sexual situations and violence.
First Chapter Second Chapter Third Chapter Fourth Chapter Fifth Chapter
Sooner or later, Junsu's nervous system would rebel against being unconscious for so long. Not without adequate stimulation anyway. This would require reaching into Junsu's mind and poking around a bit. This gave Changmin some pause. Out of all his hyungs, no one was more protective of his thoughts, memories and feelings than Kim Junsu.
As if to prove his point, the first memory he was able to access was the following:
Yunho is sitting on the new twin bed my parents bought for him to the right of my bed. Looking around the room, he lazily swings his legs up and down. He scratches his head, gets up and takes something off of my nightstand. It doesn't take long for me to figure out what's missing.
"Put it back!" I shout as I lunge at him. Yunho stops me with an outstretched arm and looks at her picture with his other hand. "Who is this? Your girlfriend? She's pretty."
I feel the salt water rise up in my throat. I manage to choke out, "She's nobody. Just give, give it back. I'm not even supposed to have this anymore."
Yunho smirks. "Sounds like there's a story here."
I shake my head. "Not one I want to tell."
We stand toe to toe with Yunho holding the framed photo of HER over my head. I can see her beautiful face smiling at me...a sound comes out of me, low and loud. Yunho drops the picture frame to the floor and walks away, breathing fast and shaking. Before he leaves the room, he turns and shakes his head at me. "Man, you're cold!"
After Yunho shuts the door behind him and his footsteps fade away I pick up HER picture and whisper. "Not all the time."
~
Changmin concentrated harder, dug deeper. Who was this girl and why wouldn't Junsu even think about her name? He pushed, dug, sorted...
Her name is Kim Chinsun. She sits in the seat in front of me at school. The other kids talk about her in hushed tones. The mean ones say she burnt down her last school. The nice ones shakes their heads in pity when she passes by, whisper "Mudang". But all I see is a girl who embodies her name; precious and goodness personified. She helps the slower students with their homework and does not let the little ones be bullied. Her dazzling smile stops my awkward attempts at small talk in my throat. But one day, Junho is out sick and the bullies decide it is my turn to be picked on...
It's recess and I'm sitting outside in the crisp autumn air. The leaves have finished changing and are beginning to fall to the ground. A smack to the back of my head is followed by Chulmoo's raspy voice.
"Hey, duck-butt! I heard you like that witch. You'd make a good couple. She's crazy and you're stupid."
My hands are balled into fists at my sides. "She's not crazy! And...and...I can get smarter, but YOU'LL ALWAYS BE UGLY, Moo!"
But Chul-Moo is just a toady. He won't face me alone. Instead, he smirks, turns and shouts to his buddies. "Looks like duck-butt is spoiling for a fight! Let's give one to him, boys!" We are soon joined by Daeho and Bonghwa. Their voices swirl together as they circle me, pulling me to my feet, then pushing, slapping and pinching me.
"At least I don't look like a girl, Junsu!" sneers Chulmoo.
Daeho laughs. "You know what? I think Junsu IS a girl!"
"Look! He's crying! He even cries like a girl!" exclaims Bonghwa.
Chulmoo stops laughing."I'm beginning to think you're right, Daeho. Junsu's definitely a girl. But I think we need to make sure."
Someone starts tugging at my belt. Oh God, this isn't happening. This isn't happening. But then the wind picks up out of nowhere and the other boys are blown to the ground.
Chinsun, my dream girl, stands in front of me. This is almost too much for me to take. Hurriedly, I re-buckle my belt. For a moment, I can fight my shyness enough to look at her. She's moved right next to me, so close I can feel her unnaturally cool breath on my cheek. Her eyes have turned as black as a starless night. But for some reason, I'm not scared. She whispers softly. "They've hurt you, Su-yah. But they won't hurt you ever again!"
As the boys scramble to their feet, they scrounge in the dirt for rocks, begin to curse at her. She raises her hands to the sky and the leaves on the ground rise and swirl around us like we're in a shook-up snow-globe. They fly by my face, edged with frost. The boys throw their rocks at us, but the rocks bounce right back at them. Finally they run away, screaming "Witch!" as they do so. The leaves fall slowly to the ground as she takes me by the hand and touches my lip softly. It isn't until I see her lip split and begin to bleed that I realize that I'd been hit so hard. Her eyes turn back to a soft brown color and a tear rolls down her cheek.
"Please...please don't be afraid of me, Junsu!" she whispers.
"Afraid? I could never be afraid of you, Chinsun." I reply, blushing. I try to look away but she catches my chin in her hand and lifts it. We look into each other's eyes and it is at this moment that I know that I will love this girl for my whole life long. She smiles. "Call me Sunny. All my friends call me Sunny."
Later, I will learn that I am her only friend.
~
Changmin gasped. How is it that Junsu had never mentioned this girl? Changmin racked his own brain, remembering small moments when his hyung had let his guard down, times he thought no one was listening. He remembered Junsu stealing glances at a picture he kept in his wallet while they were all backstage waiting to go on. He remembered Junsu whimpering her name in his sleep. And ah, he remembered a long time ago, Junsu wanking off in bed, moaning her name softly. And Changmin had always thought he was just crushing on Lee Soo Man's niece. But the girl he saw in Junsu's memory could not have been that Sunny, even as an eight year old.
Changmin continued to flip through Junsu's memories of Sunny, just skimming the surfaces. He knew her from age eight to age thirteen, when Junsu broke off the relationship abruptly. But in the between time, Junsu and Sunny were inseparable, sharing lunches, studying together, going shopping with Sunny's mom, going camping with Junsu's parents. It was as sweet as Changmin could expect coming from Junsu and his childhood sweetheart. Finally, Changmin found the thread he wanted and followed it to its source.
My mother is shaking my bedsheets in my face, demanding to know where the blood came from. I am all blinks and stammers and wringing hands. We hadn't planned for this. I hadn't planned for this.
"Did you at least use protection?" she hisses at me.
I nod frantically.
"Good, because the last thing I want is a Mudang for a grandchild. It's in the blood, you know."
I know what Sunny is, but I don't care. "I love her, Umma!"
My mother slaps me across the face. "You're too young to fall in love! That girl has bewitched you."
She turns her back to me. I cry out, "No, Umma! That's not true!"
She wheels on me. "Junsu-yah, you know how much I-your father and I have such high hopes for you in your music career. We've sacrificed so much for your dreams..."
"My dreams? My dream was to play soccer. You're the one who wants me to be a big star!"
My mother's eyes widen. "How dare you!"
I know it will earn me a sound lashing, but I can't stop myself. "All because you couldn't become famous, you had to push me into it."
Her eyes narrow to slits and the blows rain down on me. I hope against hope that my mother gets so wrapped up in punishing me for my impertinence that she'll forget all about Sunny.
Now out of breath, my mother speaks. "You've been...a trainee...for three years at SME. I won't let you throw all of this away on her. You are not to see her anymore. We're going to send you and Junho to a different school."
I fall to the floor and grasp her ankles in supplication. "Please, Umma. Please, no."
But it is useless. I am sent to my room and my mother watches as I break the heart of the only girl I'll ever love over the telephone.
Her voice shakes with emotion."But Junsu, why? I love you! You told me you loved me!"
I shuddered as I spoke the words my mother told me to say. "I don't love you. You're a Mudang! You bewitched me. I never want to see you again. Never!" I slam the phone back onto the receiver. My mother leaves the room, satisfied. I stare at the phone for an hour before the realization of what just happened finally sinks in and the tears begin to come.
I howl, and my window shatters.
Changmin wept.
He wept for Sunny and he wept for Junsu. He wept for Junsu's broken heart and thwarted dreams. He wept for the hundreds of times that Junsu wore the mask of the clown when inside he was in so much pain.
Changmin finally understood why Junsu was able to sing the way he did, his heart bursting with emotion. He gently smoothed Junsu's hair back."Never again, hyung. Not if I can help it." he whispered.
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